I Love You, But…

What do you do when someone who loves you says something that really hurts you? Let’s say you’re in a relationship, and suddenly your partner confesses they aren’t attracted to you any more because you’ve gotten fat. Ah, the dreaded F word! While I hope that we are moving toward a world where the word ‘fat’ is just a neutral adjective used to describe a body type, it’s currently still loaded with negative connotation and emotion. So, what do you do when your loved one wounds you with this word and these feelings?

10391422493_c951023ec3_zThis post is brought to you by pictures of signs.

Now, going on a diet might seem like a logical solution. Your partner thinks you’re too big, so you should make an attempt to get small, right? You could certainly try that. If you restrict your food intake and increase your exercise, you’ll almost certainly get smaller… for awhile. As we’ve discussed time and time again, weight loss is only sustainable in the long run for a small portion of people. (See here for a great discussion about this.) So, you can punish your body for its supposed failures, but that’s probably not a permanent solution. And, honestly, when’s the last time trying to change something because you hated it led to a positive result?

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You know that old nugget about “you can never really love someone until you love yourself”? That is totally true about your body, too. You can’t force someone to find you attractive, but if you are projecting body hate and shame, you can bet your partner (or your potential partner) senses that. Why should they accept, appreciate, and love your body if you don’t? You can’t control someone else’s feelings, but you can control your own – so start thinking about how you can learn to first accept and hopefully one day love your body. It starts with you.

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Hard truth? It’s not easy. Even if your loved one is sitting right next to you on the body acceptance bandwagon, learning to be okay with your body can be really tough. Body acceptance is definitely a marathon, and not a sprint. And during a long race you need support, you need encouragement, you need the right fuel to keep you going. Some of that fuel can come from outside sources (check out the body positive links on the left!), but getting support from those closest to you can be crucial.

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But what if your partner is not sitting right next to you on the body acceptance bandwagon? What if your loved one is the one doing the shaming, spreading the hate, using the F word? Start with trying to explain to them just how much their words hurt. Conversations like that can be really hard, but they are so important. You aren’t going to get anywhere – in your relationship with your body or with that other person – if you just stay silent. To the other person, silence usually means acceptance and agreement.

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And if your partner continues to be mean and cruel? Well, then it might be time to evaluate if they are the right person to share your life with. Here’s the thing: There is only one person who is going to be with you for your entire life, and that’s you. Even if you’re married for 75 years, your relationship with yourself is the first and last you will ever have. So, you have to choose: Is it worth it to spend your time with someone who doesn’t love you as you are? That question applies to yourself, too! You can always find another partner, but you will never have another you.

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There is absolutely nothing easy about any of this. Breaking out of the mindset that fat makes you unworthy and unlovable, makes you not good enough, is a very difficult thing. Couple that with hearing those messages from the person you love most, and you’ve got a recipe for self-loathing and shame. Try to be kind and patient – with your partner, but mostly with yourself. You are worthy, and you are lovable. Learn it, believe it… and hopefully, your loved one will learn it and believe it, too.

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