I Reflect on My Reflection

This is gonna sound pretty strange, but: I realized I have no idea what I look like to other people. This all came about because I was talking to a friend about how I might categorize myself in the way they ask you to on online dating sites. The options are things like curvy, big and beautiful, heavyset, a few extra pounds. I am completely stumped as to which of these best fits me – mostly because I don’t think any of these fit me. What’s wrong with me, that I don’t feel I fit into any of those categories? Which category does society think I fall into? Why don’t I know?!

warning-mirror

And this discussion reminded me that a friend at the gym commented that the camera seems to take ten pounds OFF me, instead of putting ten pounds on me the way it does for most people (actually, I think she said twenty). That seems like a flattering compliment, but it froze me in my tracks. Maybe I’m just really good at taking selfies? Or maybe I’m just super disproportionate in the head and face? Maybe I’m so focused on my small head that I ignore my giant (and thus unacceptable and unlovable) body?

BeetlejuiceMe on the right?

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the edge of the precipice. One small step and the ground gives way. Let the shame spiral begin!

supernatural_3

What if I look way worse than I think I do? What if I’m unappealing and unattractive to people who don’t know me? What if I think I’m smaller than I really am? What if I’m enormous and gross and everyone sees it but me? What if I’ve been deluding myself for years? What if what if what if what if……

pink

I had a long talk last week with a friend who is struggling with the idea of trying weight loss again – even considering weight loss surgery. One of the reasons she has considered hopping back on the diet train is because she struggles to find flattering clothes (she is a fabulous dresser!). She wants to be able to waltz into any store in the mall and buy whatever cute thing strikes her fancy. Boy, do I get that! It sure would be nice.

3Soh8ftI need to be more like Ron Burgundy. Sorta.

But what I told her, and it’s something that I like to remind people of (including myself) all the time, is if something doesn’t fit, it’s not your body’s fault, it’s the clothes. And then I thought, well, isn’t the same thing true for those words meant to categorize my body? Maybe it doesn’t have to fit any of those descriptions. Maybe my body is what it is, and it’s the descriptions that need to change. Maybe I get to choose the words that define my body.

nothingwrongEven if the messages come from me?

I get that on an intellectual level, but on an emotional one, I still feel pretty lousy about myself.

I could talk to you all day about how health is possible for people of all sizes, how you can’t judge someone’s health (or health habits) just by looking at them, how the sixty billion dollar diet industry wants you to hate yourself so you’ll give them your money, and on and on. But when it comes to love – because that’s what this all really boils down to, me finding someone to love me – I fall flat on my blogging face.

JTI feel your feels, JT.

So, at the end of it all, this is one of those “I have no answers” posts. It’s one of those “Should I even be writing this blog if I feel this way?” posts. This is not a “Please post compliments about me in the comments” post, though. It’s more of a “Have you ever felt this way?” and “How did you get past it?” posts.

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