Back to School

My son’s daycare used to be on the same main drag that a middle school is located on, so every morning I see many kids trudging the streets making their way to school. Then one day I saw the fat girl. She was making her way to school just like all the other kids, but when I first saw her ,my immediate thought was “poor kid.” POOR KID!!! What is wrong with that picture? I made a snap judgment about a young girl who was simply walking to school. I know not two things about her life, her personality, her hopes and dreams, yet I felt she was doomed.

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Look how cute I am!

For the next six months or so, I’d keep an eye out for that girl, and my thoughts would reel. I knew right after I made that initial judgment that it was wrong of me to think this girl’s life was crappy just because she was fat, so I started to think deeper about it. I believe the thing that resonated with me the most was my past.

Middle school was the single roughest time in my life, as far as being fat goes. There were no jokes in elementary school (kids were all too young to know any better), but middle school was on its own level. There was one kid who made life especially terrible for me (we’ve actually reconnected and he apologized for making my life hell, but this is beside the point), terrible to the point of tears at the end of some school days, and what I truly feel is the birthplace of a lot of my defense mechanisms.

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Middle school age, circa 1997. 7th/8th grade. Here I am with my BFF. I’m the fat one, of course.

What do I mean by defense mechanisms? Well, after middle school (and during) I’d turn everything into a joke. I always think that I know what other people are thinking of me, so I immediately make a joke based on my projections of their thoughts to beat them to the punch. It let me make fun of me instead of having to deal with others doing it.

Case in point: My little family had Valentine’s Day photos taken with a good friend of ours. While we were reviewing the pictures at the shoot, my mom said, “You are so beautiful! You could be a model.” I just knew the photographer friend was thinking “She’s too fat for that!,” so I stated that I was 15 years and 80 pounds over my modeling career. Our friend laughed, and I laughed for the sake of the “joke,” but when I replay that moment in my head I wonder what would have happened if I had simply said, “Thanks, Mom.” I feel the photographer might still have been thinking to himself, “She’s too fat for modeling,” but who cares? As long as he wasn’t telling that to my face, that’s his opinion.

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My loving husband and me, Valentine’s day photo.

I initially felt bad for this girl walking to school because that was me walking to school. I was miserable in middle school, so I just instantly felt she was, too. Her clothes weren’t the greatest (just compared to the other kids I’d see), her hair was pulled tightly back into a ponytail ,and she always walked with her head down at a slow pace. Every time I saw her, I wanted to pull over and talk with her about life. Give her my number, take her on a girl’s day or something, and get an insight into her life – to know if she was unhappy about things or if she was 100% happy, etc. To tell her she should walk with her head up, facing the world, and to let her beautiful hair down. To take her to stores that carry plus-size clothes. In my head, we were BFFs. Then reality brought me back, and I thought she’d probably think I was some weird psychopath, so I’d stare at her as I drove by (a lot less psycho, don’t you know!) and have all these emotions and thoughts crop up.

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Another ’97 beauty. My dad, me in the middle (food in my mouth, of course!) and my BFF at the Grand Canyon.

If I knew the things I knew now back in middle school, I wonder how I would have turned out? If someone had sat me down and explained, “Look, pretty much everyone hates their body or some aspect of it. Life is not about your size, it’s how you carry yourself, it’s about your achievements, it’s about your experiences, it’s about so much more than your size,” would I have turned out differently?

So, this mystery girl gave me an idea: What if I collaborated with some folks and offered a small online site (BFD Junior!) that lays out the fundamental ideals behind BFD? “You hate your body? You’re fat? You’re skinny? Stop trying to please others. Take your life where you want to go, regardless of size or what you think your limits are! You can do what you want. Here are a few tips for learning to love your body just the way it is. Life never gets easier, and there are always bullies, but how you respond/react to such foolishness can really change your outlook on life.”

I’d love to feature photos of real girls of all ages (probably under 18, as this is what I think my target age would be) and sizes, get their hair and makeup done, make them feel as special as they are, and just see a slew of beautiful, smiling faces from all walks of life. Get the parents involved to let them see how much positive reinforcement can impact their child’s life. Root for them to be unique and different, not trying to fit the same mold of media standards we’ve all come to know.

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Last day of middle school, and my sister’s high school graduation.

Bethany wrote a piece on having so many ideas of things she wants to accomplish, and this one has been on my mind for at least a year. I’d like to think that if I had seen something like this in my younger years, I would have known that I wasn’t the only one affected by the poisonous thoughts I had of myself, to see other girls my age featured in my YM Magazine or Seventeen, I can only believe it would have had a positive effect on me.

I’d love to hear any input the readers of BFD have. Do you know a young person who has a drab outlook on life that my idea would benefit? Do you think this would help you, a parent of a teen or tween, guide your child through one of the perils of life? Let’s hear it!

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Can you guess which one of us didn’t have a nap that day?
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