Whenever I go to an event or somewhere public, one thing I worry about is if I’m going to be the fattest person there. I tell myself it doesn’t matter, that I’m a great person, people tell me I’m pretty, my husband loves me and is proud to be seen with me. My children reassure me. But it doesn’t help. The worry is: Will people look at me and judge me because of what they see and not what they know about me? They see me as the fat lady, but they don’t see me as a mother of three amazing children. They don’t see me as an educator who makes a difference in the lives of children. They don’t see me as someone’s friend who offers strength, love, laughter, and the occasionally needed shoulder. They don’t see me as a wife, and they certainly don’t see me as my husband does: a sexy woman who makes him happy.
Me with my main squeeze on our favorite beach.
So, if I worry about all of that, what does everyone else worry about? Do they worry that they’re going to be seen as fat? Do they worry about their thinning hair? Do they worry about their wrinkles or age spots? Do they worry that their clothes may not be just right? When I look at them, will I see what they see, or will I not even notice their biggest fears? Is it the same for me? Am I worrying over something that others don’t even see? I’m almost six feet tall. Most people notice that I’m tall. But do they look at me and say “man, she’s tall!” or they do look at me and think “man, she’s fat!” Is it both? Is it neither? Or are they too worried about their own insecurities to notice mine?
How many times have you had these thoughts about yourself?
I’ve had to make a very conscious decision to be a confident woman. A confident, tall, fat woman in a world where skinny is beautiful. Ever since I was six weeks old, I’ve been fighting a losing battle with my weight. I’ve had people tell me that gastric surgery is wonderful and I should try it. I don’t want to alter my body that way. I have nothing against anyone who has chosen that path, but it’s not my path and I don’t want it pushed on me. I’ve had others suggest different diets or exercise regimens. “You should do it; you’d be amazed at how great you feel!” I feel pretty good, with a few exceptions that have nothing to do with my weight and everything to do with the way my body was put together. Sometimes I worry that I’m an embarrassment to my husband or my kids because of my weight. They assure me this is not the case, and sometimes it helps.
Meet my fantastic, amazing, and supportive family!
The last couple of years have been instrumental in my decision to be confident. I’ve decided that if you have a problem with my body, it’s exactly that: your problem, not mine. If you have a problem with the way I look, then don’t look at me. If you have a problem with the fact that I don’t look like a model… well, chances are pretty good that neither do you, and I don’t have a problem with that. I’ve been pretty successful. My husband and my children are my biggest supporters, and are such positive forces in my life that I have no choice but to feel good about myself. Because if they’re so amazing, they would never choose to spend time with someone who wasn’t just as amazing, right?
All dressed up with my man.
So, I’m going to a fancy event with my husband and I will not wonder if I’m going to be the fattest person there. I will not worry that people are making judgments about me based solely on what they see and not what they know about me. I will go to this event knowing that I am a beautiful, confident woman who has so much to give and an enormous capacity to love my friends and family, be a good mother to three amazing children, be an educator who makes a difference to children, and be a sexy woman who makes my man happy.
