The other day, I got an email with the subject line, “Body Hate.” The words inside could have been written by anyone. They could have been written by me.
I can’t tell you how long I have hated myself based on my body’s inability to be the shape it “should” be. I felt better physically when I was going to a gym regularly, but I stopped – it was obviously a waste of money, since the numbers on the scale and tape measure weren’t moving dramatically, and if I was a better/stronger-willed person, I could do all the exercises I did there at home… (which I don’t, of course, because every self-hate-cake needs frosting). I am currently at my heaviest. I hate how I feel. I don’t want to look at myself, and more importantly, I don’t want my husband to look at me… My question to you is this: HOW do you take care of something you hate? How do you get to a point where you WANT to?
Valentine’s Day seems like an especially good day to talk about love, doesn’t it? So, let’s talk about how to love your body.
Reframe your thinking.
Talk to yourself and think about your body as if you are talking to your best friend or your child. Would you say hurtful things to someone you loved so dearly? Of course not. So why do treat yourself so badly? And why do you think that treating yourself badly is going to lead to something positive (that is, a body you will like better)? Shame and anger and fear don’t make things grow strong and thrive. Every time you find yourself thinking a negative thought about your body, imagine saying it to someone you adore.
Be patient.
Body love takes time. I’ve been doing this for almost two years, and it’s still something I have to work at every day. And a lot of the time, I totally suck at it! But if I have a bad moment, a bad day, even a bad week, I don’t let that stop me from trying again the next day. I’ve come a long way since I started trying to love my body. I’ve climbed mountains. But there are still days when I climb two steps and slide back twenty. Do your best to be patient with yourself on this long and difficult journey.
Try, and try again.
Probably the best (and hardest) piece of advice I can give you is to work at it. Every day. Body love is hard, hard work. For me, it’s harder than walking 13.1 miles. It’s probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever attempted to do. Every day we are told that we are not good enough. Moving past those messages – which come from the media, the diet industry, doctors, our friends and family, ourselves – can feel like trying to fight your way out of the lightning sand in the Fire Swamp. There isn’t some magical formula that will let you wake up and be happy with yourself. You have to work – and work hard – every day.
Rebuild your world.
While body love starts and ends with you, that doesn’t mean you need to take this journey alone. You should totally bring some loved ones along. Tear down the world of fear and shame and self-loathing. Build strong walls to keep out those negative messages. And then invite some friends inside – friends who are kind and nourishing and understanding. Friends who will respect your needs during this time. Pick and choose carefully, and when you’re found the right people to fill your new world, keep them close.
Realize it’s a choice.
Yes, the world is full of reminders that the only good body is a thin body. Every day, we hear and see messages about the horrors of being fat, and how we should not love our bodies if they aren’t thin. You can choose to listen to those messages, or you can choose to ignore them. You can choose to hate your body, or you can choose to love it. Team Free Will: You’re a a part of it. You can keep going down that path of hate and shame and punishment, or you can try the radical idea of loving your body, and see where it gets you. My bet? It’s going to get you to a happier – and healthier – place.
The bottom line is this: You can never truly take good care of something that you hate. And your body is a part of you, for your entire life. Do you want to spend that much time with something you hate, or something you love? I hope you choose love.
