The other day I was at a shop, shipping a package. A man came in and knew the the lady at the counter next to me. They talked briefly about whether or not she was going to be participating in an upcoming marathon. After the man left, I asked if she was talking about the Rochester Marathon, which is less than a month away. She said that she was, and that she is a personal trainer.
This is the point in the conversation where I should have said, “I’m a personal trainer, too!” And then we could have compared notes about how hard the certification tests are, and how overwhelming it is to learn anatomy and physiology, and on and on. But instead, I just told her about my work as a trainer for Gilda’s Gang – leaving out the fact that I am as certified as she is.
This woman was, physically, exactly what you think of when you think of a personal trainer. She was very slim, but also very muscular, with the most sculpted arms I’ve ever seen on a woman in real life (meaning, not on TV or in a magazine).
The fact is, I was too intimidated by this woman’s physical appearance – and too embarrassed by my own – to engage her as a colleague and fellow fitness professional.
The other day, I wrote about how every day before I venture into public, I brace myself to be shamed because of my body. After reading the post, a friend pointed out that some people will tell me that I’m setting myself up for that to happen just by being afraid that it will. I get that – it’s the same thing as people telling me I’m not meeting my husband because I’m thinking about not meeting my husband (or something). But at the same time, I absolutely do live in a world where fat bodies are considered public property, to be scrutinized and shamed at any given moment (and of course, for our own good).
Now, there’s a really good chance this woman would have been happy to meet a fellow personal trainer, and would have treated me with respect and dignity. But I was too afraid to reveal myself to her, because I am so very aware that I don’t physically look the part. So many people in my life have been supportive of my decision to get certified, and respect my abilities and knowledge when it comes to fitness. But there have also been plenty of people who have hesitated when I’ve told them of my accomplishment and my goals, who have given me that look – the one that says, “You? How can you be a personal trainer? You’re fat.”
The truth is, I am reluctant to talk to pretty much any other fitness professionals about my credentials. I shouldn’t be, but there it is. I do have some safe spaces where I feel proud and respected – Gilda’s Gang is certainly one of them, and so is working with my new massage therapist, Maria (herself a personal trainer), who is helping me to get my leg back in working order.
A big part of my BFD journey is going to be building up the courage to be vocal and proud of my accomplishments, my knowledge, and my goals. There will always be people who don’t support, believe, or want to encourage me, who will feel that I’m not legitimate because I’m not skinny. My journey isn’t just about improving lung function and heart rate or building muscle – it’s also about holding my head up high, setting my shoulders, and facing a world that may not accept or embrace me, proud and sure.
