Okay, everybody try to stay calm. While this news is extremely alarming and is definitely cause for downright panic, I’ve come up with a three-step process that will help us get through this terrible time together.
Oh, sorry, you didn’t know you were supposed to panic? Then you must not have heard about the latest study from the American Journal of Public Health. Some guy named Ryan Masters wants us all to know that OMG OBESITY! is even worse than we thought. Basically, 18% of us are gonna die because we’re fat. Sure, some experts question Masters’ study, but who cares! Obesity kills! We’re all gonna die! Everybody diet!
I was just finishing up my dinner, after walking four miles around my neighborhood, when the NBC Nightly News warned me of this horror. Of course I immediately quit my job so I could dedicate my days to restrictive dieting and excessive exercise. But then I realized I could do more than just make myself skinny. I could teach you how to survive this crisis. Here’s my three-step plan:
- Rev up the fat shaming. C’mon now, your loved ones aren’t gonna get skinny on their own. Remind them daily how disgusting they are, how they’re going to die any second, and how they are a repulsive burden on society and the health care system. Heck, don’t limit your shaming just to people you know! Be sure to shout at fatties on the street. And remember the power of the anonymous internet comment. Troll away! There’s no such thing as too much shame.
- Be a role model. Let’s be honest, you don’t like your body. You’ve got that poochy stomach, those love handles, the cellulite on your thighs. Maybe you aren’t fat enough to be a statistic for Ryan Masters, but you sure aren’t going to make the cover of Vogue with that body. So be sure to talk badly about your body. Loudly. Often. Make sure your kids – especially your daughters – know that nothing short of bodily perfection is acceptable. Self-loathing is a great stepping stone to a lifetime of disordered eating and exercising that are sure to keep everyone slim, trim, and super healthy!
- Open your wallet. The best way to fight the obesity epidemic? Throwing billions of dollars a year at the diet industry, of course! Empty your savings accounts, drain your 401(k)s! Sure, you gained back those twenty pounds you lost on that magic Dr. Oz-sanctioned diet – three times – but this time will be different! Ooh, and there is also that magical new pill you can try. You can’t be far from a bathroom while you take it, and the monthly cost is more than your car payment, but you owe it to yourself, your children, and this country to get thin at any cost. Don’t listen to those reports that yo-yo dieting can be more damaging to your health than maintaining your current weight. How can you even trust that those studies are right? Remember, there is always a new diet for you to spend your money on!
Whatever you do, don’t for one second think that creating a society that embraces health, wellness, and happiness at any size is a good idea. That’s completely un-American! Remember, it’s your duty to shame others – and yourself – into getting thin (again and again!), and to spend every dime you’ve ever made in order to get skinny. The fight against obesity needs you. America!
