When we think of giving up, we think of failing, of not being good enough. But what about when giving up means being kind to yourself, giving yourself a break? How do you figure out which kind of giving up you’re talking about?
Lately, I’ve been thinking about giving up marathoning. Not forever! But I’ve been seriously considering not racing in the spring. It’s not that I don’t like racing – there is nothing quite like race day morning: the excitement, the anxiety, the port-a-potty lines! I love racing. It’s hard and sometimes it seems impossible and it seriously hurts… and then I’m crossing the finish line and they’re putting a medal around my neck and every one of those thousands of steps is so very worth it.
But I hate training. I didn’t use to feel that way. I used to love getting out there every day, putting in the hours, seeing how fast I could knock out a mile. Six years into it, though, I’m no longer getting faster or better. In fact, I’m much slower. I used to be able to crank out sub 14-minute miles no problem, and now I have to really push myself to clock a 15 minute mile. I’m older, true, and heavier as well. I’ve also been dealing with a never-ending injury to my right leg. But that doesn’t stop my brain and heart from expecting more of and then being disappointed in myself.
Sometimes I think I shouldn’t worry about my pace. And there are nights where I don’t wear my GPS watch, but just go out and back and enjoy the scenery, the weather, the feel of the pavement under my feet. Those days are fantastic, and remind me why I started distance walking in the first place. But that pace – which is tough enough that it gets my heart pumping and lungs working, but not so tough that it feels impossible to keep up – would not translate to a half marathon finish time that I’d be happy with. And that’s where the dilemma lies. Do I walk the pace that feels challenging but still fun, or push myself harder to be faster, and not enjoy the workouts?
I’m only competing against myself, but I’m a tough competitor. I don’t want to be a plus 3:30 marathoner (that’s happened twice in my career, both under very difficult circumstances). I would love to beat my PR some day (02:59:41), but the amount of effort I’d have to put in to achieving that is exhausting just to think about. As the years go by, it takes more time, more energy, and way more effort just to be as good as I was twelve months before. Beating a record I set five years ago seems almost impossible.
So, if I take half a year off of marathoning, am I giving up? If I never race again, would I be giving up? I’m thinking of joining a gym (talk about out of my comfort zone… but it would probably make for some good BFD posts!) that has a pool, and focusing on workouts that don’t require me to use my feet and legs so much, see if I can get this injury to really heal up for good. Right now, I think my plan will be to completely alter my workouts for the winter months. Then, in the spring, I’ll see if I feel up to another 13.1 miles.
I love marathons. I just need to find a way to love training for them again.
Have you ever given up? Taken a break? What led you to that decision? What (if anything) brought you back? Share in the comments!
