Tomorrow night I’m going to be doing something way outside my comfort zone. A friend of mine has talked me into doing the Corporate Challenge, a 3.5-mile foot race. It’s not the distance that’s intimidating – I walked 4 miles on Saturday morning just for the heck of it – but the idea of being last.
I’ve been walking half marathons for six years now. It’s a great distance for me, because the halfs I participate in are always accompanied by full marathons, which means I’m never going to be one of the last people crossing the finish line. While three and a half hours is a slow half, it’s a pretty quick full. But a 10K, a 5K, or this 3.5-mile distance? Not only will I start at the back of the pack, I’m going to finish there, too.
While I’d like to say that when I queue up to a start line, I’m only competing against myself, the truth is I’m hyper aware of everyone in front of me – and everyone behind me. There is something very defeating for me about the idea of being last. I think it’s because I am already very conscious of the fact that A) I’m fat and B) I’m a walker, which translates to C) I don’t feel very welcome in the first place. Being last feels like it confirms every stereotype of my body. Never mind that I’m pushing my body to its limits and moving as fast as I can.
A lot of this worry is just in my head, and I know it. Because I’m in the back of the pack, most runners don’t even know I’m there, or care (as long as I stay out of their way). But as so many of us know, our perceptions of reality often overshadow and overwhelm the truth.
Tomorrow I will queue up with thousands of other people to complete those 3.5 miles. I won’t be first. I might be last. It’s intimidating and uncomfortable for me to participate in this race. But, what if I love it? What if I’m not last? What if I am last, and it doesn’t matter? Someone has to be last – and being last will still mean I’ve finished.
This could open up a whole new world for me of shorter-distance races. More bibs, more race shirts (hopefully some that fit!), more finish lines. Here we go!
