Warning: This post is not for the faint of heart. I’m going to say two words that, if you are good and faithful member of society, will send a chill down your spine. Do you think you have the stomach for it? Are you sure? I really need you to prepare yourself, because these two words can be really upsetting for a lot of people. You’re ready, though? Okay, here goes…
Bathing suit.
Are you okay? Did you survive it? It’s okay, I totally understand how upsetting it can be to think about shopping for and then actually wearing a bathing suit. After all, the diet/exercise industries and beauty/health magazines spend millions of dollars making sure you feel like your body is never going to be ready – unless you buy their products, of course. (And I’m sure you’re not surprised to hear I think this is a giant load of bunk and we should all immediately go out and buy super cute swim suits – if we can find them – and head to the beach at our earliest convenience.)
Anyway, today I want to talk about two things related to bathing suits. The first involves the infamous Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. This year, instead of showing a scantily clad fashion model on the cover, the magazine has chosen to showcase… Barbie. Yes, as in the doll. Here she is in all her bathing-suited glory:
What the what?! Why would they put a doll on the cover of a magazine that is ostensibly targeted at grown men? Well, they obviously did it because Mattel paid for the privilege, but why would either of these companies think this was a good idea? According to a Mattel spokeswoman:
As a legend herself, and under criticism about her body and how she looks, posing in ‘Sports Illustrated Swimsuit’ gives Barbie and her fellow legends an opportunity to own who they are, celebrate what they have done, and be unapologetic.
That is hilarious to me for so many reasons, starting with the notion that the women who have graced the cover need this opportunity. These women are the epitome of what the media has told us is physically desirable in a woman, so yeah, I don’t think they need an opportunity to “own who they are” or “celebrate what they have done” (which is being genetically blessed?). And is someone telling them that they should apologize for who they are, what they look like? This spokeswoman is so off the mark.
Now, there is also the issue of whether or not Barbie is a good role model for young girls, and while that is a very important discussion, I’d like to forgo that for now. What I’d like to focus on instead is why SI doesn’t feature actual sports figures on the cover of this issue. Now, I know the answer: The bikini-clad models sell issues. A lot. But it just boggles my mind that a “serious” magazine devoted to covering the sports world shows Kate Upton wearing a fur coat and a no top on last year’s cover (NSFW link here) instead of, you know, an actual swimmer in an actual swimsuit.
Like five-time Olympian Dara Torres.
The whole thing is pretty much ludicrous. Except for the fact that we’re all talking about it now, so SI and Mattel got just what they were hoping for: lots of free publicity. And I just helped. Dang it!
Something else that is both ludicrous and on my mind lately? Shopping for a bathing suit while fat. There aren’t many brick-and-mortar options for me; if I wander into Target or Old Navy, most of what’s available on the racks are teeny bikinis and mix-and-match two pieces (neither of which I want to wear). When I do get lucky enough to find a one-piece supposedly in my size, such as I did the other day at Kohl’s, the suit rarely fits because they have reinforced it with so much space-age spandex that I’d need the help of three or four burly friends just to pull it up. Check out this tag:
LOOK SLIMMER OR ELSE.
Nick Fury assembled these guys to help me get into that suit.
So, I end up shopping for bathing suits on line. Or, rather, I see a cute suit online and buy it, then when it arrives at my doorstep and I try it on, it looks ridiculous or terrible or doesn’t fit in the slightest and I have to return it. A big part of the problem? The way the suits are displayed on line doesn’t help me guess how it will look like on my body. JCPenney, for example, features these models wearing these supposed plus-size suits:
I guess maybe the third woman from the left could sort of be considered “plus” sized? A bit? Anyway, Old Navy doesn’t even bother with human bodies – they just slap their “womens” suits on mannequins and call it a day:
How cute is that polka dot?! I wanted it to fit so bad. But, sadly, I am not built like this mannequin, so it did not.
I’m going to Florida in mid-April, and I am determined to find a great bathing suit to wear as I swim and sun and frolic in the surf. I’m currently waiting for one to arrive from Target… a site that doesn’t even bother with mannequins, and therefore all the suits look like they are made for people with extremely short torsos:
Okay, that’s all my rambling about bathing suits for now. Remember, when the websites and talk shows and magazines start trying to send you into a blind panic about how your body is not ready for summer, they are just trying to make you feel bad so you give them your money. We’ll talk more about this as summer gets closer, but all you need for a beach body is a body that you take to the beach.
Where do you shop for bathing suits? Are you as frustrated as I am with this whole process? What do you think about Barbie on the cover of the SI swimsuit issue? Tell me in the comments!
