[Insert Blood-Curdling Scream Here]

Have you heard about this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mother from North Dakota who plans on handing out nastygram letters to fat kids who dare to set foot on her self-righteous porch tonight? Get a load of this:

Photo from Valley News Live.

Lady, you are just the absolute worst. I would rather spend Halloween night with Jason Vorhees, Freddy Krueger, and Michael Myers than ever make your acquaintance. I feel sorry for every fat person who has had the displeasure of your company. And I hope that your children are thin, because I can only imagine how you’d treat them if they were fat.

I can’t believe this has to be said, but: You can’t tell anything about someone’s health just by looking at the size of their body. You can’t tell anything about how a child is parented just by looking at the size of the child’s body. You can’t tell how much candy a child eats just by looking at the size of the child’s body. All you can tell by looking at the size of someone’s body (children included) is how much fat prejudice you’ve got knocking around in that skull of yours.

Also, she’s totally saying that it’s okay for skinny kids to gorge on candy, isn’t she? This is one of my favorite things about the “war on childhood obesity” – the idea that we only need to police the eating habits of the fat kids. The skinny kids can totally cram all the Oreos and cheesy poofs and sugar soda down their throats they want, because we all know skinny = healthy!

This woman. What a nightmare. At least we can take pleasure in the fact that she was dumb enough to announce her intentions to the local media, so residents could be prepared for her fat-shaming antics.

Today is my favorite day of the year. I love Halloween, and have since I was a kid. For me, it’s about the decorations, the spooky stories, the costumes. I went trick-or-treating until I was a senior in high school! Not because I was a Fatty McFatterson who wanted to stuff my face with Milky Ways, but because I didn’t want to give up one of the best traditions of my favorite holidays. Sure, there were one or two houses where they handed out pennies or pencils or raisins instead of chocolate and sugar, but I’m ever so thankful that we didn’t have any fat bigots like this lady living in my neighborhood.

I can’t wait to see the fall-out when this woman, who of course wanted to remain anonymous when she called a local radio station to brag about her letter, is finally outed. In the meantime, please enjoy this picture of my sister and me in our… awesome… dancer?… costumes from elementary school. Fat and fabulous, even in fifth (?) grade!

Enjoy this day. Have some candy. Wear your orange and black striped tights (I am!). Don’t let fat-shaming messages spoil your fun. Happy Halloween, my pretties!