The other day I went to one of those big department stores in the mall to buy some pants. After about half an hour of frustrating time spent not fitting into the pants in the “regular” sizes, I wandered up to the plus-size department. Where the pants didn’t fit very well, either. Too big for one department, too small for another.
(Side note: Can we just talk about how strange it is that, in most department stores, the “regular” sizes are in the “misses” department, and the plus sizes are found in the “womens” department? Doesn’t that imply that the misses are for younger ladies, and the plus sizes are for grown-up women? It’s such an odd choice of words, and kind of insulting for both parties.)
Anyway, when I couldn’t find pants that fit in the “regular” department, I got pretty blue. After all these years of healthy eating, regular workouts, and training for and completing ten half marathons, how is it that I can’t get and stay small? Why am I still stuck shopping in the fat ladies’ department? And right then, standing in the middle of Macy’s, I fell into the trap.
Obviously, I’m not trying hard enough. If I reduce my calories enough, I’ll get thin. If I work out harder and longer, I’ll get thin. I am just not good enough. If I was good enough, I’d be skinny.
The truth is, I’m never going to be thin. I could get thinner, sure, by making weight loss my full-time job, by policing every bite that passes my lips, by reducing my calorie intake to starvation levels, and by pushing my body to extreme limits on a regular basis. I will lose a few pounds, and I will probably be able to fit into pants in the misses section. But unless I’m willing to continue that lifestyle forever, I’m going to regain that weight. My body is not made to be thin. It’s just not. I eat less than a ton of thin people I know, and I work out a lot more than a ton of thin people I know, and I am still fat.
It’s unbelievable to me that so many people can’t understand this. The arrogance of the thin, who love to remind us fatties that if we just try hard enough, we can be be skinny too. These people, with very few exceptions, have never been fat. Thin is a natural state of being for them, and yet it is somehow beyond their comprehension that fat is a natural state of being for others. If getting and staying thin were possible for the majority of people, wouldn’t we have figured it out by now?
And yet there I stood in that department store, believing it. Believing that the answer to Permanent Thin is out there, and I’ve just failed (again) at finding it. If I could just be strong enough, dedicated enough, smart enough, good enough, I could find it.
You’ve heard me say this all before, but in dark moments like the one I had the other day, it’s important to reiterate – to society, to you, and to myself: The size of my body does not dictate my worth. And it doesn’t reflect what I do with it. It would be fantastic if my body illustrated the care I give it and the hard work I make it do. I guess maybe I could get a t-shirt printed up listing all my excellent metabolic markers, or maybe wear my marathon medals around town?
It’s incredibly frustrating that my body doesn’t show that I’m a half marathoner. But I am a half marathoner. I was, I am, I will be. At this size, at this shape. I am strong and healthy and fit, and that doesn’t change based on where I buy my pants.
