Welcome to a new feature here at BFD, Personal Journeys. Over the next few months, faithful reader and all-around amazing woman Laurie is going to share her story with us – from her first attempts at dieting as a young girl, to her recent decision to undergo weight loss surgery (WLS).
Whether we choose to have surgery, try a new diet, or start an exercise routine – or do none of these things – our relationships with our bodies is uniquely and deeply personal. Each of us must decide the health and wellness path that is right and sustainable for us. This is Laurie’s journey, told in her own words.
Part 1: I Have Always Been Fat
According to my brain, I have always been fat. When I look at pictures of myself as a kid, I can see where my brain got that idea. I had a bit of a tummy, and my thighs have always touched. But in reality, I was a perfectly normal, healthy kid who got the wrong idea about what was important, and made it a part of who I was for the rest of my life.
There are a lot of people and things I can find fault in – “teen” magazines did a real number on my self-esteem, and not for nothing, but nobody ever told me I wasn’t fat. But it ultimately comes down to my internalization of every negative comment that was ever made about my body, coupled with a healthy dose of unrealistic expectations established by pop culture. I grew up in the 80’s. I spent my formative preteen years watching Molly Ringwald (the “ugly duckling”) dress like a bag lady and still get the hot (?) rich guy in the end (I was always cheering for Duckie). My theory? Not because of her sparkling personality, but because, even with all her flaws, she wasn’t fat. That was – and still is – the only thing people can’t get past. You can dress weird, be crazy artistic and dye your hair blue, hell, you can even be a mutant or an alien. But as long as you’re thin, you’ll still get the cute guy/hot chick in the end. John Hughes was an ass.
I can’t remember the first time I considered myself fat. Let me rephrase that: I can’t remember a time when I didn’t think I was fat. I was a pretty happy kid for a while, so I think I can remember a time when it didn’t bother me, but I think I was always pretty self-conscious about my weight.
I remember sitting in the passenger’s seat of my mom’s car once – I must have been, oh, maybe 11 or 12? She looked over at me, and the seat belt strapped across my middle, and said, “You know, honey, I think it’s time you started sucking in your stomach.” The effect that comment had on my stomach was twofold. It was never relaxed again (I “sucked in” from that moment on), and I was instantly nauseous. It made me sick to my stomach to think that all this time I had been blissfully unaware of how disgusting my gut was to everyone, and how wrong I was to have the nerve to not try and hide my blubber.
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Next time, Laurie will talk about her many attempts at dieting.
If you have a story you’d like to share, please contact me at bigfitdeal@gmail.com.
