Our friend Laurie continues to share her post-weight lost surgery life with us here at BFD. Two weeks have passed in real time since her last update. To catch up on Laurie’s moving and deeply personal story, click the Personal Journeys link on the left-hand side of the page, under Categories.
Part 10: “Why the hell did I do this?”
I’m about seven weeks from surgery, and things are not exactly peaches and sunshine right now. I’m feeling good – no physical side effects from the surgery, everything’s healed/healing well, nothing like that. But I’ve been having an extraordinarily hard time with food of late, and I’m getting very discouraged. I’m still finding that I’m only able to get in about 3-4 ounces of protein per meal, which, unless I’m eating just the right things, makes getting 80 grams of protein per day almost impossible. The problem is, the things that give me the most protein (chicken, turkey, etc.) are the things I have the hardest time eating. Not only that, but since I can barely manage to get through 3-4 ounces of protein, that doesn’t leave any room for anything else – bread, vegetables, fruits, or basically anything that gives the food a little character and makes it palatable. So I’ve been stuck trying to cram down 4 ounces of plain, untainted sliced chicken or turkey, which gets boring and down-right nasty after a while. Then there’s the problem with the chewing – I have to basically pulverize everything before I swallow it (especially “tough” proteins like chicken and turkey). I can flavor up the protein all I want, but trust me when I say that everything tastes the same after it’s been chewed a thousand times.
I’ve found that my appetite is almost completely gone. I eat now because I have to, not because I want to. I actually dread mealtime now – because the food is unappealing, and because I know that it’s going to be a chore getting all that food down. More and more I’m turning to yogurt and cheese, and that can’t be exactly healthy. They’re the easiest things to digest, and I find that I’m able to get more of those foods down with less discomfort. But I can’t live on Chobani and string cheese, so I have to keep working on getting more, different types of protein in me. But it’s been very hard.
At this point in the game, I’m supposed to be incorporating vegetables and fruits in with my meals, but, unless the fruit is in the yogurt, there’s just no room for anything else once I’ve gotten through the protein. I’m finding that I’m fuller faster, but that it doesn’t seem to last very long. I’m barely able to finish a meal, but two or three hours later, my stomach is empty again. I can’t say I’m hungry again, because that seems to be gone, too. I just don’t feel hunger like I used to – not at all. I feel like a car. When the tank is empty, the light goes on, and I have to fill it again. No hunger, no desire for food, nothing. Just an empty tank that needs refilling.
I’m sorry to be such a downer, but I’m kind of in that place right now. It doesn’t help that I seem to have stopped losing weight (the scale hasn’t changed in almost two weeks), which everyone assures me is normal, but… well, it’s still discouraging. I can’t help thinking that, if I had just stuck with Weight Watchers, I’d be losing more weight right now. Which brings me back to the “Why the Hell did I do this?” question.
I don’t regret my decision. There’s a calm, rational part of my brain that knows that this is just temporary (the not-losing-weight thing, that is) and that things will start to change for the better soon. I mean, they have to. I’m barely eating. I also know that, without the help of the surgery, I would be headed right back in the wrong direction if I were feeling this way while doing Weight Watchers. Pre-surgery, if I went through something like this on a “regular” diet, it would be all the excuse I needed to start eating garbage again, and I’d gain the weight back in no time. Now… well, it might not be a party, but I know that there’s really no way I can go back to eating poorly again… I’m just physically incapable. So there’s some consolation knowing that, if I can just tough it out and get through this, there is a kind of light at the end of the tunnel. One that isn’t a raging diesel headed straight for me, that is.
As far as being able to enjoy food again…. well, I’ve heard that that may never come back. My tastes may have changed permanently, and this may just be how it is, forever. I suppose the “old” me would have been bummed about that. I loved food, I loved making it and eating it and seeing it and tasting it – everything about food was wonderful to me. But now… well, it’s hard to explain. That love just isn’t there anymore. I don’t miss it, because it’s just… gone. Which is a good thing, I suppose. At least I’m not suffering through cravings for food I can’t tolerate. So there’s that. I just don’t want anything anymore, which does present its own unique problems… but it could be a lot worse. So either I’ll get through this, or I won’t. I’ll check in after another couple of months, and we’ll see where I stand. Could be that I’ll look back on this entry and breathe a sigh of relief that I was able to get out of that slump and return to some kind of normalcy. We’ll see.
I hate to end on such a downer, so I’ll wrap it up by saying again: I do not regret my decision. I knew this was going to be hard, and these few unexpected difficulties are throwing me for a loop, but I do not wish I could go back to how I was before. Losing interest in food is forcing me to find other joys in life, and I know that, given some time, that will be nothing but a good thing. I think this might be exactly what I needed, actually. If I were able to eat whatever I wanted (just less of it), maybe there would be no motivation to make the significant changes my body (and my life) needs right now. I just have to remember that feeling of control I was overwhelmed by pre-surgery, and start to gain a little of that back again. Once I’m able to do that, I really don’t think there will be any stopping me. That does feel pretty good.
A huge thank you to Laurie for sharing her journey with us. If you have a story you’d like to share, email bigfitdeal@gmail.com.
