I can hardly type this, I’m laughing so hard. I cannot believe that this is a thing, and that people actually are shelling out money for this thing. Okay, deep breath, here we go: Someone made an app that makes you skinny. Oh, sorry, did you think it was an exercise- or food-related app? No such luck. This app… squeezes your picture so you look skinner. This is a real thing, people! It smushes a selfie and you look skinnier, sort of, and this is a thing you should pay ninety-nine cents for!
It’s called SkinneePix, because I guess the correct spelling was taken? Here’s a sample of what this powerful and world-altering piece of software can achieve. On the left, the horribly fat original face; on the right, the way more beautiful, way more socially acceptable, 15-pounds-lighter version!
AMAZING. I need this app in my life. Don’t you? How have we gone so long without it? The results are astonishing! And so necessary! The best part is that you can make yourself 5, 10, or 15 pounds skinnier looking, so that your friends will think you’re dropping weight gradually, I guess? (As you can tell, I have a lot of questions.) My favorite part is the description in the app store:
SkinneePix makes your picture look thinner. SkinneePix makes your photos look good and helps you feel good. It’s not complicated. No one needs to know. It’s out little secret.
NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW. You can slim your picture down and it’ll be a secret! I’m not sure how, because when people see you in real life they will see your un-SkinneePix-ed face, but… Well, I guess that’s a risk we have to take in order to have the skinniest face possible for our profile pictures. Let’s see what users think, shall we?
HOLY GEEZ LOUISE, people! “It’s so realistic!” Can you imagine looking like your high school photo again? That would be amazing! And no one would know it wasn’t really you! GENIUS.
Now, I didn’t feel like giving the app makers my almost-dollar, so instead I used my outstanding Photoshop skills to help me imagine what my SkinneePix might look like. On the left, horrible, regular me; on the right, a much better, skinnier me. SO REALISTIC!
And, to further blow your mind, check out how much the skinnified picture of me looks exactly like my senior high school yearbook photo. TWINSIES!
Of course, there’s a non-hilarious issue here. The makers of SkinneePix are preying on our society- and media-fueled need to be skinny at any cost (even if the cost is just ninety-nine cents). Making your face look skinny in a picture doesn’t change what you actually look like in real life, just like making your body temporarily thinner doesn’t change the person you are.
A lot of people subscribe to the idea that getting thinner is going to change their lives for the better. No more fat means health, happiness, love, money, success. But no matter what the scale says, no matter the size on the tag in your pants, you are still the same person. No matter what the weight-loss industry would have you believe, shrinking your body does not change your personality. Everything will not be “perfect” when you lose weight. Your pants will just be smaller for awhile.
If the makers of SkinneePix were having a laugh, if the app was an April Fool’s joke, then… nope, I’d still be appalled that it exists.
