So there I was, sitting around the pool with my family on a beautiful afternoon, getting ready to enjoy some Memorial Day picnic food, when my phone rang. It was a local reporter, who wanted to interview me. On the television. In about an hour. What?! But I’m wearing a dress that’s actually a swimsuit coverup and some capri leggings. A sleeveless dress! I’m an hour away from my house, my closet, which means if I’m going on camera, I’m going on camera wearing this.
My mom, my sister, and I went down to the Arc of Yates and, along with the organization’s executive director, were interviewed for a news segment about the devastation caused by the flood in Penn Yan two weeks ago. We spoke with the reporter on camera, and then took a walk through the Arc building while the cameraman filmed us.
When I sat down to watch the news afterward, I was way more nervous than I was when I was talking to the reporter with the camera a foot from my face. They say that the camera adds ten pounds, and if I couple that with that thing I have where I forget how large I am a lot of the time and get startled when I see my reflection or a photograph… I was really dreading seeing what I looked like on TV. In a sleeveless dress that was really a swimsuit coverup, if I haven’t mentioned that already. How enormous and unattractive was I going to look?
Well, the segment didn’t air. We got bumped for some breaking news. Hopefully (for the sake of the Arc), it will air tonight. Which gives me more time to mentally prepare to see myself, but also means I get to spend a whole day dreading what I’ll see.
The truth is, it doesn’t matter what I look like – it matters that we are bringing attention to this very important story. The Arc of Yates estimates their damage at $500,000. That’s half a million dollars, people! So if our interview brings in some donations, or gets the attention of some government officials or other folks with deep pockets, that’s what counts. Still, it’s hard not to feel anxious and nervous about what I’m going to look like on camera, on TV, for all of western NY to see… not to mention all the people who might see it once it’s online.
Forget love and acceptance. Being even okay with your body is tough some days. I can walk a half marathon and feel so proud of my accomplishment, but then when I see race-day pictures, my heart sinks. How sad is it that society has conditioned me to be so disappointed that my body doesn’t fit some thin ideal that I can (and do) frequently overlook my achievements? I can be kind and smart and funny and courageous and a hundred other things, but when I catch a glimpse of my big belly or fat arms, I just want to hide away until I can magically find a way to look “better.”
Have you ever been on TV? I would love to hear about it in the comments. The next time we talk, I’ll hopefully be able to share the video of the news segment with you. And I’m sure there will be plenty to talk about, feelings-wise, about what it was like for me to watch it. Stay tuned!
