I almost put an end to Big Fit Deal yesterday. I mean, I can’t very well encourage all of you to love your bodies and to focus on health and well being rather than size and shape, and then turn around and hate my own body and wish it didn’t look like it does. That would make me a first-class hypocrite. But that’s exactly what happened when I saw the official race photos from the Toronto Marathon yesterday afternoon.
When I saw those pictures, I burst into tears. Six years and ten half marathons, and I look like that?! It’s unfair, it’s cruel, and it makes all my hard work feel like it was for nothing. Of course that’s not true. My efforts have made me stronger and healthier. And I know that. But at the same time, I live in a society where what’s on the outside is terribly important. Whether we like it or not, we are frequently (and sometimes solely) judged by what we look like. I might be smart and funny and kind and generous and thoughtful, I might be a good employee, a great friend, a loving sister, but if I’m fat, a lot of people aren’t going to see those qualities in me, they’re going to see me as lazy and gluttonous and disgusting to look at.
It’s even worse when you see yourself that way. I know I’m not lazy or gluttonous, but I look at my body and I can see why people would assume that. I looked at those pictures and thought that all the spectators along that course probably felt sorry for me, the fat girl who has to walk because she can’t run. Or, oh, that poor fat girl, at least she’s trying. Maybe no one was thinking that, but those are the thoughts that went through my head when I saw those awful pictures.
We all learn one of the cruelest lessons fairly early on, and repeatedly: Life is not fair. And boy, life felt really unfair yesterday. How can I train for and complete ten half marathons and still be fat? How can I eat the way I do and still be fat? It’s my lot in life, and yesterday, I sure didn’t appreciate it.
Loving your body is hard work. It’s harder than walking 13.1 miles as fast as you can. It’s harder than power walking up a giant, never-ending hill. It’s harder than just about anything I’ve ever done in my life.
So, I’m not going to quit Big Fit Deal. People have told me that it’s important to them, and makes a difference in their lives. And if yesterday taught me anything, it’s that I need it just as much as anyone else.
