How far would you go to lose weight? Sure, you’ve probably tried a few extreme diets or exercise programs. But what if I told you there was a new surgical technique that could help you lose up to 30 pounds in a month, doesn’t take long, and only costs a fraction of other weight loss surgeries?
Well, it’s probably worse than you can imagine. The surgery (warning: the link includes a video and a picture) involves sewing a patch (the doctor who invented this technique calls it the “Miracle Patch”) onto your tongue. And not just any old patch, but one that is typically used to repair hernias. Just let the doctor sew that baby on, and eating becomes so incredibly painful and difficult, you stop eating solid food. Mmm, sounds delightful!
Side effects? Well, besides the fact that eating solid food causes pain, there’s the drooling, the trouble speaking, the waking suddenly from sleep, and the possibility that if you wear the patch for more than thirty days, it could fuse to your tongue. But hey, you’re going to be (temporarily) skinny!
Compared to other weight-loss techniques such as gastric bypass and lap band surgery, the “Miracle Patch” only costs two thousand dollars. What a bargain! Spend two grand, subsist on a liquid diet, lose about a pound a day for a month, and then… well, then the patch comes off and you go back to life as it was before, which probably means you’ll gain back all those lost pounds, if not more. Although Dr. Miracle Patch leaves that part out of his literature, I’m sure.
What’s awful is that doctors keep thinking up these ridiculous ideas. What’s sad is that people keep paying to try them. We are so desperate to be skinny that we empty our wallets, try crazy and sometimes dangerous things, and probably sacrifice a good chunk of our sanity along the way. I mean, really, sewing something to your tongue to stop you from eating solid food?! How about spending that money on a nutrition class, a few therapy sessions, or a membership at the gym? There are so many other, healthy ways to spend your time and money that don’t involve “miracles,” terrible side effects, and perpetuating your body hate.
Now that you know the latest from Crazy Town, it’s time for some sharing: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done in the name of weight loss?
