Do you have a thing, a thing that is such a part of who you are that you can’t imagine yourself without it? It might be a skill, or a talent, your hobby, your art, your job. Something that truly makes you who you are, a thing by which you define yourself.
While walking half marathons has been a big part of my life for over six years now, this weekend I realized it’s more than that. It’s a huge part of how I define myself, a huge part of who I am.
I didn’t play sports in high school or college. I’ve never belonged to a team. When I took up distance walking in 2006-2007, I never imagined it would eventually take me to a finish line of a half marathon, and then another and another, and even lead me to a personal trainer certification and this website. I never saw “athlete” as part of my personal resume. And yet here I am.
Two years ago, I missed two marathons because of a foot/leg injury. It was tough to sit out those races and miss those training seasons, but I never doubted that I would recover and be back on the road again. But now that injury is back, and it’s worse. On Saturday, I was supposed to do 10 miles with the Gang. I made it to 8, and I walked at least half of those in intense pain. Thankfully, my friend Alex happened to drive by, and he gave me a ride back to my car.
I’m supposed to stand at the start line of my 11th half marathon in less than two weeks. I honestly don’t know what to do. Do I walk it fast, and suffer? Do I walk it slow, and try to be okay with a really slow finish time? Do I not walk it at all? Which of those is the worst option – physically, emotionally? Which is the best? Is there a best option?
I have a big decision to make before September 22nd, and possibly an even bigger decision to make for my marathoning future. Can I keep doing this? Is my body telling me to stop? Just for this race, or for good? I’m going to consult with my awesome sports massage therapist, and my mom, and myself. I don’t know what decision we will collectively come to. My heart is truly torn.
The idea of not being a half marathon walker anymore breaks my heart. Of course, I might be overreacting, I might be able to really recover this time, and maybe the emotions I’ve been going through this weekend will be for naught. But there’s a sense of mourning this go around that feels very real.
So, if I can’t marathon anymore, who am I? I’m still a daughter, sister, friend, artist, writer, photographer, coach. But being a marathoner is a huge part of me, it has defined my fitness for over six years, it has brought me here to this moment, to this level of fitness, this resting heart rate, this very blog post. If that part of me is no more, what do I fill it with? Can I fill it, or will it always be an empty part of me?
Who will I be on September 22nd? Who will I be after?
