A friend of mine (I’ll call her Patty) has really bad self-esteem when it comes to her body. I mean, really bad. I asked her to fill out a Fit Five survey, but she got stuck on the first question: She couldn’t think of a single thing she liked about her body. I mean not one single thing.
I’ve been talking to Patty for a few weeks about learning to love her body, exactly the way it is now. It’s a tough thing to do. I don’t think there’s a single person I know who wouldn’t like to change something about their body. But when Patty talks about herself, it’s overwhelmingly negative and mean. It really bothers me because Patty has a daughter, and while she swears she doesn’t talk about herself negatively in front of her daughter, I imagine the daughter senses the deep loathing her mother feels for her body. I would never want that body hatred to get passed down, and neither would Patty.
Here’s the thing: Hate and shame and loathing aren’t going to get you anywhere. They certainly aren’t going to help you make positive changes in your life. Patty, like most people I know, focuses on losing a specific amount of weight, and uses her weight as a barometer for success and her worth. For most people, this is a losing battle. If she could change her mindset and think about the positive gains she’s making in her health, regardless of what the scale says, I truly believe she would feel better both physically and (especially) mentally.
After several days of talking to Patty about her body issues, she sent me this email:
So I thought of you last night while I was doing zumba (after I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and almost threw up) and I almost left in the middle of the class because I’m so disgusted with myself… Anyway, I asked myself “what would [BFD] say”? So I looked around the room and saw all the different body shapes and sizes and realized everyone was there for a reason (fat, skinny, tall, short) and said to myself STOPPIT and stop looking in the mirror, you are here to get in shape! And I stayed for the entire class (even though honestly, what I saw in the mirror consumed my mind) but I felt good afterwards because I knew I did something for my body.
Patty has a long way to go, but this is a huge step in the right direction. I’m going to keep talking to her about her body, and all of the strong and wonderful things it can do. This is vital for Patty’s mental health, and for her ability to be a strong role model for her daughter.
As a note, Patty is beautiful. She’s smart and funny and a great friend. Physically, I’m quite a bit fatter than she is – in fact, I would never use the word fat to describe her. Patty sent me images that she believed were similar to her body shape and size, and they were much larger than she actually is. This just goes to show how strongly body dysmorphia can affect us.
We have to remind ourselves daily to be kind to ourselves, as kind as we would be to our daughters, our sisters, and our friends.
The next time you look in the mirror and decide you don’t like what you see, do what Patty did, and ask, “What would BFD do?” BFD would take care of and love herself, fuel her body, and move it, because all of those things feel good, make us strong, and lead to health and happiness.
