Vacation is defined as “an extended period of recreation, especially one spent away from home or in traveling.” I like to think of it as “eating a ton of delicious seafood, spending hours lounging in the sun with three of your best friends, and getting really good at doing nothing,” or even “something that makes it really, really hard to go back to your real life after you’ve been doing it for a week.”
Every vacation should include a giant floppy hat.
All of which is to say, I’m back from a week of sun and fun in Florida, and I am having a really hard time getting back into the swing of things. Partly because I have an annoying cough that keeps me up at night, so I’m really tired. Partly because it was in the 80s when I left the panhandle, and it was in the 40s when I landed back in New York on Saturday night. Partly because being barefoot and warm is almost always preferable to being cold and sitting in a cubicle!
Hot pink toes in the sand. Or: The way life should be.
But I’m also having a hard time getting back in the mindset of working out, which is weird, because I usually love it. Of course one reason I haven’t hit the gym since I’ve been back is because of this cough/cold thing I acquired. But I’m also feeling totally uninspired, for a couple of reasons.
First, over the weekend, my Facebook news feed was flooded with photos and status updates from folks who were doing 5Ks and half marathons, and I was so jealous. I wanted to be out there completing a race and earning a medal! I know I’m not ready, nowhere near it, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting it – badly. There is nothing like the feeling of crossing a finish line, of pushing your body as hard and fast as you can, of accomplishing something that feels impossible. I miss that, and the idea that I won’t be able to feel that this year (or maybe ever?) is really hard to handle. I think: Maybe I can just push through the pain. But just strolling up the beach in Destin made my foot hurt, so I know that’s a terrible idea. So I wait, and I heal, and hopefully this time next year, I’ll be telling you my finish time for my 12th half marathon.
I would love to, but I have an injury!
The other thing that is making me feel unmotivated is my body. Now, in Florida, I was in my bathing suit a lot of the time. And I didn’t feel self-conscious at all. I felt good and strong and beautiful, lounging on my Surf Style towel, reading and laughing with my friends, chatting up the beach boy. It wasn’t until I saw pictures of myself that I realized what I actually looked like, and then my heart sank. How can what I feel and what I look like be so different? How can I feel amazing, and look so bad? Of course I can blame society and the media for making me feel like I look terrible, but I also have to blame myself. I should be proud of all the things my body can accomplish (like half marathons and swimming, and heck, just getting me through my days), but the fact of the matter is, there are times when I see myself and get so down about how I look. And bathing suit pictures from the trip made for one of those times.
One of these butts is mine (hint: it’s the biggest one).
You’d think that seeing unflattering pictures of myself would motivate me to work out more, would have inspired me to head straight for the gym after I got home. But instead it made me think, Why bother? You’ve been doing this for a decade, and nothing has changed. You are still fat. Why keep pushing yourself, if you can’t see any physical changes? Why spend all that time and energy when you aren’t getting any results?
This might be crazier than my train of thought.
And then the train really pulls out of the station and heads straight to Crazy Town, and I think: No wonder I’m injured all the time. I’m fat and my body can’t handle the things I try to make it do. If I was thin, I would be marathoning all the time, and finishing faster. If I was thin, I’d be married, instead of going on one-and-done-dates. If I was thin, everything would be wonderful.
Judgmental pelican is judging me.
The truth is, most of my life is already wonderful. And the truth is, even if my body hasn’t changed on the outside, all of my working out has improved it on the inside. Some days, knowing that is enough. Some days, knowing that doesn’t mean anything – I just want to be thin.
Let’s raise a Painkiller to no more negative body talk!
So, those are my post-vacation thoughts. I had the most amazing time on my trip, don’t get me wrong. But just because you don’t pack your cares and worries when you light out for the territories, doesn’t mean they aren’t waiting for you when you get home.
What did I miss while I was gone? What’s going on in your world? Update me in the comments!
