Amid all the stories covering how to not gain weight during the holidays, and all the upcoming stories on how to lose weight now that it’s a new year, and that’s what we’re programmed to do, where is the line? I’ve been heavy all my life, and always being put on a diet as a kid by my parents (who were also in on the diet for themselves as well) and never keeping it off.
Last year I was at 60 lbs lost, but then something happened: I found body positivity blogs. I read that I could be happy just the way I was, no matter what weight I was at. Back then (a whole year ago!) I was losing weight to be “pretty,” because I KNEW I was ugly just because I was fat. After reading more and more body positivity blogs on the subject, I began to get lost on my weight-loss path. In fact, my own blog, that was dedicated to weight loss, changed to Health at Every Size. I stopped my dieting. I stopped tracking my food intake. I stopped it all. I am reporting to you today with 30 lbs put back on, BUT my whole outlook on life has changed.
I no longer cringe at the mere sight of my naked body. I am working on allowing my husband to touch my sensitive (usually off limits) middle section, or just to simply LOOK at me naked (oh the horrors!). Yes, I am still on a journey, and ye,s I am confident I will find it someday soon, but… now that I’ve experienced life at 60 lbs less than where I was, and am now half way back again, I need to draw the line.
While I will not attribute the happiness I felt at being 60 lbs lighter, I was happier. Why? CLOTHES! I was able to fit into 2X, off the rack, brick and mortar items. Oh the sheer joy of it all! Seriously, folks. I was happier because I could go into a store, get an armful of items to try on, AND leave having purchased an armful of items that looks great on me. I was putting more fun outfits together and taking more photos for my blog. But now, I haven’t posted an Outfit Of The Day (OOTD) in months, I haven’t spent money on clothes in months (which may be a good thing for my wallet), I wake up and dread having to go into my closet and find an outfit for work that I don’t feel like a sausage in.
Where is the line drawn between happiness and a sense of still being me? Not giving in to the diet society because I’m fat and I MUST DIET, but still wanting to enjoy my body and the fabulous clothing options I once had my hands on? I also feel like an in-betweener in the blog world. While I want to diet to feel comfortable in my own skin, I no longer want to diet to feel pretty. I’ll always be fat; I’ve let that “I’m going to get skinny!” façade fall away, and have accepted what I am. That feels great, but I want to feel better, and I know I did when I 30 lbs lighter than I am today.
Does anyone else struggle with this identity challenge? It comes down to this for me: It’s my life and my body, and I’m finally going to do what I want to do to make it the best for me. Forget all the haters (both the ones who shun for being fat and the ones who are fat who shun the idea of dieting). I feel 2015 is going to be the year I’m empowered to do what I want and not feel guilty either way about being the best me I know I can be! Here’s to doing what you want in seeking your happiness in life! The last BFD post was about embracing joy and abandoning guilt, and that’s exactly what I plan to do.
